Who knew nearly a decade later the love you lost could possibly be your last sweet love and yet today, it’s still one that is so difficult to talk about without getting emotional, without your voice cracking and without stumbling over your words. Who knew the person, who some questioned as you possibly selling yourself short, would turn into that love you find yourself, regrettably, thinking you should of worked harder at mending and one you should have never walked away from. It’s in those quiet moments that the memories of that kind of love show up unannounced and there are times those memories come back with a haunting vengeance. There is no clear history button and there’s no shutting the emotion out. You start to pointlessly replay events in your head, ceaselessly analyzing, obsessively scrutinizing your actions and wallowing in some regret.
While I truly understand, I only have the power to change the present moment, I often think incessantly about the past and start wondering if I only had the awareness of being in the present moment back then, would it have turned out differently? It took me years to learn and I’m still learning the importance of being present to receive love, and to feel appreciation and gratitude. In those moments of reflection, I now realize so many opportunities were lost because I wasn’t living in the moment. I have learned that being present is about getting real and continually digging out the buried wounds that are hidden under layers of a very protective shell. With every life encounter, I am learning how to become still long enough to take a pause, to breathe and to ask myself an important question, “What is this life experience here to show me or to teach me?”
While I still have a lot to learn and a fair amount of life left to experience, today, this is what I know for sure…maybe it’s after a good cry and when you stop feeling sad that you’re able to see clearly as to what that relationship revealed to you and what it taught you. You’re able to see the relationship for want is was and as you walk away, you choose to remember the gifts the love you lost gave you. It’s the gifts of their good qualities, their good character and their vulnerable side that no one else knows or has had the privilege to witness or experience. It’s the gift of knowing you will love them always. It’s the gift of the positive influence and memory that they have left behind with those that you love. It’s those gifts that you choose to hold near and dear to your heart. It’s those gifts that you will always cherish with gratitude. It’s those gifts that keep you in that place of hope with believing that one day you will get to feel that love, again and it’s those gifts that you have learned from. But the true gift is knowing that “once love” gave you the ultimate gift of words…”you deserved better.”
So you see, it’s not about the love you lost, it’s about the love you shared and always be grateful for that love. And it’s that gift that I choose to always remember and cherish…we loved each other. ❤️
I wish you joy, peace, health, love and hope in 2018. Happy New Year!